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A Post about the Hand Jive

April 16, 2014

This is a short post inspired by recent events in my life.  A few weeks ago I had a date scheduled with a girl, but she cancelled after reading my blog.  So here are the top five songs about masturbation.

 

5.   Greenday – “All by Myself”:  Hidden after the last track of their classic Dookie, this is a hystericaly minimalist tune sung by drummer Tre Cool back when Greenday was still good.  Not only is this my #5 best masturbation song, it’s my favorite song about sneaking into someone’s house to jerk off in their bed room.  (Disclaimer: Freshwhippedcreamike does not condone sneaking into someone’s house to masturbate.)

4. The Who – “Pictures of Lily”:  Here’s a song about what to do with pictures of beautiful women, expertly sung by Roger Daltry.  This is self improvement via masturbation, and highly recommended.

3. Rush – “YYZ”: There is no greater example of three men in the studio proverbially masturbating with their instruments than YYZ.

2.  Levon Helm – “Willie and the Hand Jive”: I refuse to listen too closely to the lyrics on this one on the off chance that this isn’t about masturbation, but come on! It has to be.  All I know is that after finding this relatively unknown song,  I refer to doing it as the hand jive now, and you should too.  For example, “The homeless gentleman was arrested for doing the hand jive on the subway.”

1. Ray Parker Jr. – “Ghostbusters”:  Ghostbusters is always number one.  You know this.  No song is better, regardless of topic.

Why Must I Suffer Hot Chocolate Fools?

February 18, 2014

Before we get down to business, today’s Foghat Jam:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YReKipp81f4

 

Last time on the city’s most exciting and divisive blog, I self-challenged myself to drink a cup of City Bakery’s hot chocolate every day of February for their hot chocolate festival.  (A different flavor of hot chocolate every day.)  I failed in this endeavor on the first day when I ordered my hot chocolate with a marshmallow, and got to the cash register where the cashier told me it’d be $7.50.  I said I’ll pass and walked out.

I’m usually ok paying a premium for good food, but $7.50 for a small cup of hot chocolate, delicious as it is, is outrageous.  I’m sure you know what I did next!

TO FACEBOOK!!!

It took no more than five days before City Bakery banned me from posting to their wall.  My initial objections to the price of their hot chocolate didn’t get a response, but when they posted a picture of balloons with a caption saying balloons to celebrate caramel hot chocolate, and I responded with, “well I guess you can afford balloons when you’re gouging your customers on the price of hot chocolate,” that did it.

Dejected, and depressed that I couldn’t get a shot of liquified hot chocolate, I wound up in Maison Kayser and was briefly elated to see that they had homemade hot chocolate for $4.50.  But like a child busting open a pinata filled with poisonous spiders, my joy turned to horror when I saw the counterperson proceed to make the “homemade” hot chocolate by dumping an orange packet into a cup of steamed milk.   What the cock, Maison?  At that point I was so desperate for chocolate that I paid for it, drank it, and was suitably underwhelmed.  Despite my best efforts, they have not banned me from their facebook page yet, nor have they responded to my requests for a comment.

I finally got good hot chocolate at Little Chef located in the Gotham West Market, aka the only good thing on 11th avenue in Manhattan.  It was rich, made with cream and melted chocolate, and spiked my blood sugar.  I don’t know what the hot chocolate scene in the city has come to when I need to go to this much trouble just to get a decent cup.  I guess maybe my first mistake was not going to Jacques Torres instead.  Oh well.

If you’d like to express your disgust at City Bakery’s or Maison Kaiser’s  hot chocolate standards and practices feel free to contact them via facebook and tell them that Fresh Whipped Cream Mike Sent you.

 

Slow Ridin’ that Whipped Cream

January 31, 2014

Welcome to the first fresh whipped cream of the new year.   A couple of things to take care of here.

First, in a horrible miscarriage of justice I discovered a few days ago while trying to avoid the Grammys that there’s no Foghat subreddit.  But no worries, I’ve quickly remedied that.  Check it out at:

http://foghat.reddit.com

It’s sparsely populated at the moment, but please feel free to contribute to the only subreddit that matters.  

 

In other news, since the new year I’ve managed to get myself un-banned and then quickly re-banned from the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop’s facebook page.  Apparently they’re opening up a shop in L.A., and had a picture of the owners in none other than Tommy Lee’s kitchen, doing god knows what.  In response to that picture I innocently asked if Tommy Lee tolerates whipped cream from a can, and was swiftly banned again.  I would imagine that other than in bed, he does not tolerate whipped cream from a can.  

Not to be outdone, but Cronut masters Dominique Ansel Bakery have also banned me when I criticized them for being too cutesy about announcing their new winter pastries.  Their social network guy kept saying Dominique Ansel is rumored to do this and that, and I bluntly told him that it’s ridiculous to use the term “rumored” for something that the owner of the company you work for is doing.  He’s either putting out new pastries or not, dammit!  I was banned.  

And in other news, in a few days, the hot chocolate festival begins at City Bakery, I hope.  I haven’t been able to find the flavors on their website, but presumably  a different flavor of hot chocolate will be available every day in February.  When I first moved to the city I attempted to get hot chocolate every day in February, but failed because drinking that much cream and chocolate on a daily basis is difficult.  This year I hope to slay the beast and have 28 cups, at least, of hot chocolate in February.  

Anyway, thanks for reading, and feel free to leave a comment about whose facebook page you’d like to see me get banned from next.  

All things Sweet, and some Sour…

November 22, 2013
tags:

Taffy has been on my mind a lot, and after my last screed against Salty Road Taffy Company, I can happily say that I have found an acceptable replacement taffy that’s delicious, with butter rather than hydrogenated palm kernel oil.  What the hell were they thinking with that one?

Anyway, Mehlenbacher’s is the name of the company. They’re based out of California, and I happened across their product in Annie’s Blue Ribbon General Store in Park Slope.  I believe Bit O’ Sweet (more on that later) will also carry it.  They have a plethora of flavors, and they come nicely wrapped in plastic with about four inches per taffy.  More if you stretch it.  Best flavors by far are the root beer and a surprisingly complex vanilla that contains actual vanilla.  It’s not perfect; some flavors have artificial colors, but on the whole it’s delicious and intensely flavored.  Taffy victory achieved.

In other news, I fear I have to shame what I consider to often be New York’s second best food blog (after mine.) for having a writer that comes off as a bit anti-Asian.

(I know! Heavy for a blog that usually details how I had to have oatmeal because my bm’s were feeling too liquidatious.)

Anyway, I’ve noticed that one of their writers, Max Falkowitz, seems to have a low opinion of Chinatown.  In a post on getting dumplings in Flushing, he made a very clear separation between people in Manhattan, and people living in Flushing, going so far as to say just like us, THEY have their own favorite places to go.  Nice, Max.  And recently he reduced Chinatown in Manhattan to a place known for “streets reeking of fish” and “exploding buses.”  Look, I’m fine with poking fun at people, but for a food blog to say things like that about a culinarily rich neighborhood is a bit distasteful and short-sighted.

When reached for comment, Serious Eats NY head editor J Kenji Lopez-Alt stated, “please stop emailing me.”  Al Dentay, a person I completely made up, said “It was extremely embarrassing and Max should be ashamed of himself.”  Ball is in Serious Eats’ court at this point.  Rest assured the only neighborhood that I’ll ever make fun of is Williamsburg.

And finally, several new eateries have opened in Park Slope that will greatly increase my chances of getting diabetes, and they’re all pretty great.  Brooklyn Porridge company opened a few days ago as the winter spot in the Louie G’s on Union St.  They serve grits, amaranth, or oatmeal with a variety of toppings, sweet and savory, but the thing to do is clearly mix as much chocolate, caramel, toffee, and nuts into one of their porridges for the best experience.  I had the amaranth and it was perfectly prepared-warm, smooth, and nutty.  It went nicely with the toffee and pecans mixed in.

Further down Union Street, Winter Warmers opened up shop, serving s’mores, warm apple cider, and hot chocolate.  I tried a s’more this evening, and it was pretty good, but suffered from using Hershey’s, the most evil chocolate ever.  They have great homemade marshmallows and graham crackers though.  I’ll be back to have some hot chocolate.  I’ll also be following up with them to try to get them to use better chocolate.

Last but not least, a new candy store opened up on 4th Avenue, my least favorite avenue in the general vacinity.  It’s not the candy store 4th avenue deserves, but it’s the one that it needs, and it is glorious.  Bit O’ Sweet is  packed into a tight space, but holy crap does it have everything.  Bulk Candy, high quality dark chocolate, candy bars both low brow and high brow. (I saw Liddabit there.), and baked goods.  I sampled their dulce de leche bar and some strawberry cream malt bars and they were both spectacular.  Less spectacular was the Askinose bar that for some reason thought it would be a good idea to ruin a perfectly good pistachio and goat’s milk chocolate bar with an insane amount of sea salt and chile pepper.  That’s not really the shop’s fault though.  Anyway, I’ve made a pledge to eat nothing but items purchased from there, so we’ll see how that goes.

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On Being Labeled a Decadent Bitch In the Name of Ordering Pumpkin Soft Serve, and Other Stories

November 4, 2013

Good evening, everybody.

An update to my earlier quibbles with The Big Gay Ice Cream Shop: I have been banned from posting comments on their facebook page.  They didn’t care for my heroic crusade in the name of fresh whipped cream.  Not that I won’t keep trying.  In any event, I went there today for a Monday Sundae, and upon requesting it with Pumpkin Soft Serve ice cream, the counterperson informed me that of course I could have it with pumpkin, because I’m a “decadent bitch.”  True enough.

(They still used crappy canned whipped cream.)

In other news,  it looks like my next target for improvement is the Salty Road Taffy company;  I bought a box of their taffy from Brooklyn Larder, and foolishly did not read the ingredient list until I got home.  I assumed since it was $6.50 for a small box, it would be quality taffy without some sort of godawful atrocious ingredient in it.

Nope.

I was wrong.  To my horror it was made with HYDROGENATED PALM KERNEL OIL.  If I wanted that junk in my taffy, I would go to the corner bodega, like a savage, and buy a package of laffy taffy or airheads.  I’ve sent the Salty Road an email expressing my outrage; I’ll keep everyone updated on that.

And finally, let’s document my literary adventures wherein author Marisha Pessl has been dodging my pressing questions that need answered about Jewish appetizing and NYC geography.  I don’t usually cover books here, but I’ve enjoyed her work.  Topics in Calamity Physics turned out to a surprisingly unpredictable and compulsive read, and Night Film, the subject of my inquiries is definitely worth picking up.  It’s an effective horror/mystery about disgraced reporter, Scott McGrath, tracking down an elusive cult film maker.  The ending is a bit disappointing mostly due to the stories within the story telegraphing the ending, but it’s a well crafted novel.

Anyway, about midway through, McGrath needs to get some information from one of his sources.  This source happens to really love Jewish Appetizing, so he decides to pick some up to butter her up.  Herein lies the problem.  He lives in the West Village on Perry Street.  His source lives in Middle Village, Queens.   Now, stay with me here.  He decides to take the 1 train to the UWS to go to Barney Greengrass for the goods.  It’s certainly an institution and an excellent choice for lox et. al, but it makes no sense to go there if he’s going to Middle Village!  Middle Village is off the M train.   You know what else is off the M train?  Russ and Daughters!!!  It’s stupid to go all the way to the UWS via the 1 train, to just have to shclep back down, completely leave the  subway system to the get the M. (unless he wanted to catch either the 7 or L train, and then transfer AGAIN to the M) when easily could have walked to Russ and Daughters from his apartment, then gotten the M train at Broadway Lafeyette, and taken that to MIddle Village.  This has been keeping me up at night, and so far my inquiries on Pessl’s facebook page have gone unanswered.  As always I’ll let everyone know if I get a response.

The Big Gay Ice Cream Shop and Their Lack of Concern for the Thick White Loads They Drop on Your Sundae

September 10, 2013

It’s been a while, so I’m going to try to do a few short posts throughout the week to cover my thoughts on food events and music that I experienced over the last few weeks.

What better way to start than with a fresh whipped cream violation?  I certainly can’t think of anything better, and the violator is none other than the Big Gay Ice Cream Shop.  I happen to like their ice cream, and their shop, and with most ice cream shops being heterosexual, I celebrate their diversity.

But alas they ruin many of their offerings by just spritzing canned whipped cream on them.  See my below interaction with them I had via their facebook page:

Michael Adler
Using canned whipped cream is very, very disappointing and ruins an otherwise excellent sundae monday.

Like ·  · August 30 at 9:15pm near Brooklyn

  • Big Gay Ice Cream Thanks for the comment. I’m sorry it ruined your dessert.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream PS: I’d be happy to have a discussion about why we chose to use canned whipped cream, but I’m not sure your post indicates that you’re interested in our reasoning. Let me know if I’m wrong.
  • Michael Adler I’m actually interested. I write a food blog where I purposely come off as bullish and slightly uncompromising.
  • Michael Adler I love your shop and everything else is completely delicious.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream There are a couple reasons. First up, I need to say that I don’t have any problem with the quality of the whipped cream we use. It has cream, lowfat milk, can sugar, vanilla, and carrageenan. No corn syrup, and all the ingredients (as you can see) are things that would be in in whipped cream if we made it WITH THE EXCEPTION of lowfat milk. That cuts down the overall fat content but has little effect on taste.
  • Michael Adler I can tell the difference between canned and fresh. Texture and taste are much better. For a gay ice cream shop, I’m a little disappointed that you don’t have more concern for the quality of creamy white stuff that your customers put in their mouths.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream The carrageenan is a stabilizer, and is used in many frozen or chilled dairy desserts to keep them from “collapsing” as quickly. People ocassionally spazz out when they read the word carrageenan on an ingredient list. It’s a polysaccharide extracted from seaweed that is otherwise natural. If you read about ill effects from carrageenan, it’s *usually* because people read studies of how “non-food grade carrageenen” (different stuff!) has been banned in Europe.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream ANYHOW. The main reason we currently use canned whipped cream is for the consistency it lends. If we had a trained pastry chef on staff at all times in each shop, we’d use cream and chargers. We don’t have that luxury, and unless we jack prices way up (probably 50% across the board, maybe more) we can’t afford to do so.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream We keep our prices down and product consistent by using high-quality aerosol whipped cream to be the best option. We *are* researching whipped cream machines, and hope to move to that soon. Chargers/sieves aren’t an acceptable option without a trained pastry person on deck. If a staff member over-charges the cream, you’ll have butter on your Monday Sundae.
  • Big Gay Ice Cream I hope you find this informative.
  • Michael Adler Herrel’s just keeps a kitchen aide near the ice cream and scoops some whipped cream on top. You don’t need a pastry chef to consistently make good whipped cream. I do it all the time and it always comes out the same. I’ve never made butter.
  • Michael Adler Furthermore it’s not like the canned whipped cream’s texture is so great. It was thin, fell off my Sunday Monday, and dropped on my foot.
    ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
    To reiterate, the Sunday Monday, is otherwise delicious.  Their softserve is thick, rich, and creamy.  They have solid enough waffle cones, the nutella lining the cone, and the dulce de leche on top go well with the ice cream and each other, but holy crap does that canned whipped cream just ruin it.  And I cannot stress just how unpleasant having those giant, watery glops of “whipped cream” tumbling off the side of the cone and falling into my shoes and getting all over my ankles on a warm Summer evening is.
    Damn it Big Gay Ice Cream Shop, get your Whipped Cream act together so I can love you again.

The Final Word on the Cronut Craze and More Brooklyn LRDR Rage

June 5, 2013

So apparently New York has gone crazy for the Dominique Ansel Bakery donut-croissant hybrid, the cronut.  It’s led to shortages, lines, and even violence.  This upsets me because people are getting credit for things that I’ve been doing long before the publicity for these pastries got out. I had been following their development, via Dominique Ansel’s facebook page, for a few weeks before their unveiling so I sampled one before everyone started going insane over them.   Also, I’ve been getting violent over food for years.  (The D.C. Max’ Best Ice Cream Incident, the Olive Garden Incident, the Stony Brook Cheesecake Incident, The Sanford’s Corner Seat Incident)

But anyway, the cronut! How is it?  It’s good! I’ve been a fan of Dominique Ansel since it opened, so it’s no surprise that the cronut is as delicious as their other pastries, sandwiches, and croissants.  It really is a fantastic creation, fried like a doughnut and layered and buttery like a croissant.   The heart of the cronut, the dough, is crispy, light, buttery, and flaky-baked to a golden brown.  It’s filled with a very nice pastry cream that’s evenly distributed throughout for a tasty counterpoint to the crispiness.   The only weakness is the glaze which is a kind of a purple, sugary, generic, and bland crusting when compared to such doughnut titans as Dough and Donut Plant.  If they could take the Blood Orange glaze from Dough and throw it on the cronut, you’d have a perfect pastry.

In other news, I’d like to take a moment to shame Brooklyn Lrder, Brooklyn’s emporium for the most overpriced, but delicious food.  I came across a chicken pot pie in their refrigerated case, and alas felt an uncontrollable urge for some pot pie.  As per their usual policy of having every item in their shop cost an amount that could feed a family of four for a week, it was $14.00 for a small 6″ square pie.  This was bad enough, but I figured it’d at least be very, very tasty.

Problem is when I got it home, heated it up, and started eating, I found that they had committed a cardinal pot pie sin:  It had no bottom crust.  IT HAD NO BOTTOM CRUST.  Say it with me faithful readers: if a pot pie does not have a bottom crust, it is not a pot pie.  It’s stew with some puff pastry on top.  When I pointed this out to them, they got really bitchy and gave me their usual spiel about that’s how much it costs to make food that’s good, etc. etc. etc.  Which in this case I could not care less about because they are lying and selling false product.  Screw you Brooklyn LRDR:  I say to you, make a proper pot pie or make no pot pie at all.  Also would it kill you to throw some carrots in there?

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